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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  May 18, 2016 9:50am-10:23am PDT

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>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah! (cheers and applause) ♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show"! i'm trevor noah! wow! you guys are amazing! thank you so much! my guest tonight the supreme court correspondent from slate, dahlia lithwick is here, everybody! (cheers and applause) >> trevor: but we begin with unsettling news out of iran. >> claims this morning from the rogue nation of iran, the revolutionary guard now revealing a shocking new report on what it calls the truth about kim kardashian. they say she's a top-secret spy using instagram as a weapon
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posting sexy pictures for the sole purpose of corrupting the iranian youth. >> trevor: busted! (laughter) it makes so much sense. of course, kim kardashian is a spy! that's why she's always trying to prove she's not wearing a wire. (laughter) like, iran, this is so impressive. how did you guys track her down? she only stars in six reality shows! how did you guys do this? you know who i feel bad for? khloe kardashian because iran didn't accuse her of (bleep). right now she's doing, hey, iran, what about me, khloe? i could be a spy, too. and iran is, like, sorry, we don't know who you are. i'm kim's equally famous sister. yeah, never heard of you. but tell us about your brother and his black market in china. (laughter) you know, the worst part of the situation is the u.s. government can't defend kim from iran's
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accusations. what are they going to say? hey, she's not a spy. she's a celebrity. oh, yeah? why is she famous? well, she's very, uh, talented at, um -- she -- maybe she's a spy! (laughter) but today's a great day for us to talk about something else. the supreme court. this week, they have been dealing with a major decision, and it wasn't who gets to keep scalia's minifridge because that was buried with him, obviously. no, the decision this week was for the ladies. >> the battle over birth control at the supreme court, a highly anticipated decision. >> one of the biggest cases of the term, whether obamacare can require religious groups to offer contraception coverage through their insurance plans. >> trevor: can i just say for a second i don't know why certain religious groups worry so much about contraception. after all, they know better than anyone that even virgins can be pregnant. (laughter) but if these religious groups asked if they really had to provide their
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not-necessarily-religious employees insurance for birth control, an issue affecting thousands of persons right at the tricky intersection of religious rights on the one hand and the scope of government on the other hand, this is exactly what the supreme court is for. everyone wanted to know how they'd decide. then yesterday they dropped the bomb. >> the supreme court expresses no opinion on any of those big questions. it's a big decision, it's a big non-decision. it's a three-page unsigned order from the supreme court today sending the case back to the lower courts. >> trevor: wait, sorry, i don't get it. if it was a non-decision, why was it three pages? it's a non-decision. what was the non-decision? was it like a cover page and then the shrugging emoji? (laughter) then the last page is, like, about the author burb at the end -- blurb at the end? i like what the supreme court justices did, they're, like, who am i to judge? who am i? (laughter) the supreme court decided to do
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the best congress impression by taking an important problem and doing nothing about it. why? >> there is a vacancy on the court. today the justices apparently did not want to risk a 4-4 tie. >> if scalia were still on the court, what do you think would have happened? >> i think the obama administration would have lost. >> trevor: oh, actually, sorry to break it to you, but if scalia had been there, it still would have been a tie because he's -- dead. (laughter) but this does raise some important points. first of all, why even come into work if you near to going to do anything? supreme court justices, you could be off doing your hobbies instead. ruth bader ginsburg, you could finally get back to your kick boxing classes (laughter) with scalia's passing, the court, already ideologically split, down from standard nine justices to eight and the supreme court can deadlock and that is fundamentally
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un-american because americans hate ties. yeah. just look at american sports. like in europe, if a game ends in a tie, both sides are like, hey, man, good game, clearly we're both equal, let us depart as peers, i'm so glad we share the same currency. well done, well done! but in north america, you don't play that came. in america, it's, like, coach, it's a tie. is the game done? no! you get back out there and don't stop smashing brains till somebody wins! hold on, muah, muah, now get out there and win! (cheers and applause) right now, you may be wonder, trevor, wasn't there a guy supposed to save us from all this madness. a supreme court nominee with a supreme court sounding name like rutherford justice or marshall van judgington or america our land -- oh, yeah, that's it, merrick garland! (laughter) remind me again why he isn't on the bench?
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>> senate republicans are pulling out any chance of a hearing for supreme court nominee merrick garland before the next president take office. >> republican senator chuck grassley and supreme court nominee merrick garland break bread this morning -- >> sitting down with senate judiciary chairman chuck grassley for breakfast. >> don't expect to break through when it comes to a confirmation hearing. >> glassily vowed to block garland or any other nominee till a new president takes office. >> trevor: damn, that's cold! ice cold! garland's having lunch with the same guy that's job blocking him? that's like asking a girl, hey, let's go out for dinner some time and see what happens, and she's like, oh, trust me, nothing is going to happen. but i'll take the meal, though. pick me up at 8:00? (laughter) you're at brunch and the person you're with is blocking you from your dream job for partisan reasons. think how hard you would
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struggle to act well. it's a pointless brunch with chuck grassley and merrick garland. please enjoy. (cheers and applause) >> you know, senator grassley, these eggs benedict are pretty good. >> bet they, are merrick. that they are. >> not as good as if you would allow me to have a confirmation hearing you obstructionist piece of (bleep). >> i'm sorry, what? what? i didn't say anything. more mimosa? >> oh, no, i have plenty right here. thank you. >> that's right you get drunk on those just like you're drunk on power you turd-eating denying monster. >> what? no, nothing. i can only hear people who are actually only going to be supreme court justices. >> what's that? oh, nothin'. yes! please. delicious. >> trevor: i'm proud to say that play is up against "hamilton" at the tony's.
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since they're democrats, they're actually making things worse. >> senate democrats practicing theater. holding a mock hearing for a man who can't get a real one. >> a top republican calls these mock hearings a desperate act. >> trevor: i thought republicans were bad for shutting down garland but democrats stringing him along in a hook hearing might be worse. how far will they take this? if the mock hearing goes well, does he get a seat on the imaginary supreme court? the poor guy will spend his whole life ruling on fake cases like unicorn abortions. you know what would be so humiliating is he can't even win a majority. with them he's, like, you guys aren't even real! how am i losing?! i feel so gad for merrick garland. it's hard to imagine it getting sadder. >> supreme court nominee merrick garland is returning home to his
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high school alma mater in niles to deliver this year's commencement address. >> trevor: oh, no... (laughter) because you know when the high school booked him, they thought they were getting a supreme court justice. not some lame chief justice of the second highest courts of the land. what is he going to say? and remember... always wear sunscreen. because you're going to be standing outside the supreme court looking in for a long, long time! (laughter) we'll be right back! (cheers and applause) ♪ at our house, we're always down for more... case in point: our handcrafted skydiving chamber. be hungry for more. just never be hungry. with premium pepperoni and 100% real cheese... ♪ ding! hot pockets!
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(cheers and applause) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show"! you know, america is a country of immigrants who seem to delight in hating newer immigrants. lately, the muslim kind. but your neighbors to the north have been a bit more welcoming. as hasan minhaj reports on the first of a two or part series. >> canada, from their awful beer to their god-awful canadian tuxedos, they've got a lot to apologize for. but now they have a new reason
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to say sorry and it's coming to destroy america -- (in canadian accent). talking about syrian refugees. >> thousands of syrian refugees entering canada will sneak across the bored and some be i.s.i.s. supporters. >> there is little we can do to prevent refugees from permeating our border and coming in. it's very, very, very scary. >> very, very, very scary. canada's prime minister justin trudeau allowed 25,000 of these potential terrorists into canada and they're going to transform canada from this to this. winter is coming! it's up to me to stop it. luckily, i had allies across the border. these canuts crr doing something about the invasion and more pissed off than any canadians i had ever seen. >> people are really upset.
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good. we're demanding the immigration minister bring in more refugees and do it quickly. >> you want more refugees? absolutely. we have thousands of people across the country waiting to welcome people into their homes. >> are you (bleep) nuts? turns out they were part of the problem, something called the private sponsorship program. only in canada can groups of five or more people raise money and bring over syrian refugees themselves! it's like kickstarter for terrorists! >> almost 10,000 have been brought in by groups of ours. >> this is like graham of thrones. you will let these brown ice walkers go nuts in the north and then cross the border and kill all americans. >> this isn't about you. we're doing it for ourselves and the refugees we're bringing. >> it is about me if i die. 's not that risk. look at the facts. we don't say a-boot. >> i'm soory. that, we say. since 9/11 zero terrorist have been crossing the canada
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border but two people tried and one was a refugee. sure, he was caught and is serving two consecutive life sentences but you can't say there is a zero% chance. it's way more, a 0.00019% chance. >> our border is like a starbucks bathroom. anybody can walk in there and blow (bleep) up. >> they're safe. they come here, they canadianize. >> oh, you guys. don't you have more americans dying from gun incidents and mass shootings than terrorism every year? >> but those people aren't terrorists. they have mental problems. there's a difference. >> the difference being the color of the skin? >> yes. white people have mental illnesses. brown people are biologically designed to kill you guys. >> oh, have you met a recent-arrived refugee? >> why would i meet someone who is going to kill me?
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>> i flew back the to new york but my african boss told me i had to interview a real refugee family so i bought a (bleep) of life insurance and headed back to ottawa (speaking in foreign language) >> i can speak english. oh, okay. hello. >> hello. okay. thank you. >> their apartments seem normal, almost demand, but there was no telling what these foreigners were up to back in their homeland. >> my profession is a dental technician. >> a ha! everybody hates going to the dentist! >> i studied edge lish literature. >> wow. my favorite book is king lear. >> i haven't even read king lear. >> yeah, and i have. ou're making me feel very stupid. whatever, shakespeare isn't even real english. what if he likes a book. doesn't mean she's magically loyal to canada. >> canada is my dream come true.
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the difference is the safety we feel here. >> safety? yes, safety. oh, yeah, safety. i guess when you see refugees on tv, they're always running away from danger. but it's too risky. if even one refugee goes bad, it could cost canadian lives. >> so we're going to decide not to help 49,999 people because one person went bad. >> yep. that's the american way. >> that's not how we look at it. we wouldn't blame all syrians for that one syrian. we don't blame all americans for donald trump. (audience reacts) >> these guys didn't get it. i decided to seek out the man who started this mess. the one canadian who could shut this whole thing down. why are you trying to destroy north america? prime minister justin trudeau. clean out your drawsers, america, it's about to get messy. tomorrow, when we return for part two, the battle from north
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america. (ringing bell) >> tune in for part two. hasan minhaj, everybody! we'll be right back! ♪ hey america. meet jimmy. he just got his license and look at him. he's already restoring this beast himself. he gets help from autozone and specialized tools from our free "loan-a-tool" program. i can't wait to see what this kid fixes up next. ♪ with our help you can always fix your car with confidence. hoods up america.
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little miss muffet sat on eating her curds and whey. along came a burglar who broke into her home and ransacked the place making off with several valuable tuffets. fortunately geico had recently helped her with homeowners insurance. she got full replacement on her tuffets. the burglar was later captured when he was spotted with whey on his face. call geico and see how much you could save on homeowners insurance. (cheers and applause) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." our guest tonight is the supreme court correspondent for slate. please welcome dahlia lithwick! (cheers and applause) ♪ >> trevor: thank you so much for being here, dahlia. >> thank you so much for having
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me, trevor. >> trevor: big fan of your writing, your work. what an exciting time to be writing about the supreme court. >> you would think! (laughter) it's like trying to bring the magic of watching grass grow to your readers. look at nothing happened again today! (laughter) >> trevor: do you really think it is that boring with merrick garland? >> yes. i think that the visual of him walking through the senate hoping for courtesy meetings and republican senators hiding under their desks or in their closets trying to avoid him was funny for the first week or two, and now it's just tragic and boring. >> trevor: so what do you think made it more exciting, then? >> well, i think if president obama had not not -- nominated y kardashian, she would have a hearing and we would be watching it like crazy people. so i think if he had picked anyone but the 62-year-old harvard guy, we might be more -- >> trevor: the safe choice, obviously. but, i mean, president obama came out and said the reason he
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went with a reasonable choice was to almost demonstrate that he's willing to be a reasonable person, and now the republicans are showing that they are unreasonable by not even hearing him out. >> that's exactly right. he picked someone that a lot of the senators on the judiciary committee voted for, had said lovely things about, had said, look, if this is the best we're going to get, this is a really, really good pick for us now. they're saying, no! no hearings! no votes! >> trevor: that's a great impersonation. that was really good. >> thank you. that's chuck grassley (laughter) >> trevor: if we're looking at the people who may get into the supreme court, let's say the people who might be on the superior courts you have the republicans who are hoping for a win. the problem is now that their win is tied to donald trump, donald trump has suggested a few interesting things. for one, he said he may nominate his hister, were he to win. >> that's true. >> trevor: and she's liberal. she's a well-respected sitting judge. you know, she is liberal.
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she is pro-choice. i don't think that the pro-life base is excited about her. >> trevor: that's assuming he actually goes with his sister, not like an imaginary sister like a john miller type situation where it's just trump in a wig and a dress (laughter) >> i like to tell people, we can withum justice miss tennessee because there's a high probability you will get a miss contestant and he'll be but look she's smokin' hot! and that's going to be the confirmation right there. (laughter) >> trevor: a lot of people are torn because some people are going the supreme court, especially with the most recent ruling, is not doing their job. why would you come back with an undecided? why would they not come back with a 4-4, if that's going to be the case. >> they have two choices, both horrible for optics purposes, one is the 4-4 where four liberals do one thing and four conservatives do oovment in this week's case about the contraceptive mandate, looked like after argument it was going
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to be 4-4. that decides nothing. you would have the law in some circuits not be the law in other circuits and the court really means nothing, like never happened, and that's a terrible message to send and very partisan. the alternative is to do what they did yesterday in zubic in the contraception case which is to say y'all work it out yourselves, you don't need a supreme court. you take it back to lower courts and best of luck, and that's really kind of three' page opinion saying, i think you guys can fix this on your own! >> trevor: how does this help, though? you're in a situation now where there are more cases that need to be heard. for instance, in these cases, there are a few cases where republicans have lost out essentially because assuming that maybe merrick garland would have been there or scalia and the ruling, he can't be a part of it, but these rulings may have gone in their favor. >> no question. i think if you had asked me in september what this term was going to look like, it was going to be really the the apocalypser the left wing to have the court
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because the issues on the docket, abortion, contraception, obama's immigration reform, huge issues, immigration, this is a big term and almost every case we thought would be a gimme for the five-justice republican block has not been. >> trevor: if we're going forward, you're an expert looking at it from the republican side, they made this choice before donald trump was the presumptive republican nominee. the democrats made this decision when they didn't know what they would have been up against. if they knew that donald trump would have won, obama may not have gone with merrick garland. looking as it, is there a way for the republicans to walk this back and say, okay, we'll take merrick because we don't want miss tennessee? >> you have to stop saying that. >> trevor: i said it once! (laughter) >> we've already heard from several republicans on the senate judiciary committee saying, you know, we might be up for lame duck hearings for merrick garland after the november election when hillary clinton comes in and picks some
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crazy, you know, hairy-legged, pot-smoking lefty, and it's going to make merrick garland look like, you know, scalia's progeny, and then we really going to want garland, and the hilarity of saying we'll wait till the elections and let the people decide -- >> trevor: yes. -- unless it's hillary and then we'll decide and do it in a lame duck session, we've heard several people make that overt claim. >> trevor: i think this is a lot more exciting than you make it seem. >> thank you! >> trevor: (cheers and applause) >> trevor: we'll be right back. thank you very much! ♪ ♪ (cheers and applause) is that the famous food critic miles von gaston? ♪ (cheers and applause) perfectly thin and crispy. freshly roasted chipotle peppers. um. mild smokey taste. he knows this isn't a restaurant right? new tostitos cantina chipotle thins. tostitos. bring the party.
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♪ we can't let you download on the goooooo! ♪ ♪ you'll just have to miss it! ♪ yeah, you'll just have to miss it! ♪ ♪ we can't let you download... uh, no thanks. i have x1 from xfinity so... don't fall for directv. xfinity lets you download your shows from anywhere. i used to like that song. (cheers and applause) >> trevor: that's our show for
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tonight! thank you so much for tuning?! going us tomorrow night at 11:00. now here it is, your moment of zen. >> a lesson not to mess with men in tights. video from a drone hovering over a battle at a middle aged festival in russia. a guy in the middle of screen a guy in the middle of screen ignoring the battpardo: and now, a message from the former president of the united states, bill clinton. good evening, my fellow americans, tonight i am coming to you as citizen bill clinton. as you know, earlier today, george w. bush was sworn into office and now he is your president. for a majority of us, that's a hard pill to swallow. [ laughter ] but i'm not here to talk about that. i have other thoughts that i'd like to share. incidentally, i was able to get in the oval office tonight because i know the guy at the door. and everyone else is out partying.

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